The End of Innocence
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Pre-TPM. NON SLASH. When Obi-Wan has to kill for the first time, how will he cope?


TITLE: The End of Innocence  
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid  
SUMMARY: 10 years pre-TPM. Non-slash. Obi-Wan loses something when he is forced to kill for the first time.  
FEEDBACK: Yes, please.  
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.  
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/  
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story  
  
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The End of Innocence  
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Silence. Shock. Fear.  
  
The young Jedi knew this day would come eventually. He thought he'd be prepared for it. But how could anyone, especially a child of fifteen, ever be prepared to kill another being? Yet, it was inevitable part of Jedi life. Jedi did not want to, nor did they enjoy killing, but there were times when it was necessary.   
  
Obi-Wan Kenobi replayed the scene over and over in his mind. There was no way to avoid what had happened. The enemy, a Telarian rebel, would have killed him had he not acted first. Perhaps the man would have killed many others as well. The boy knew what he had done was right, but that did not help to ease his rattled mind as visions of the man's last, gasping breath washed through his mind. Images of his saber running through the heart of another man, a fatal blow that took only seconds to complete, would haunt the young mind for many years.  
  
The Telarian's death was agonizingly slow. Dying eyes locked with young innocent ones as a last whimpering breath was seized.  
  
The next thing Obi-Wan remembered was being led into the ship. He offered no resistance. A soft hand on his shoulder carefully ushered him to the co-pilots seat. How he ended up in the transports 'fresher unit, he was unsure of. Several times he emptied the contents of his stomach before leaning back against the cold wall to catch his breath.   
  
Eventually his stomach settled and he moved into the passenger area of the shuttle. A slight chill filled the air of the empty room. His head cloudy and pounding, Obi-Wan made himself comfortable on the couch, hoping he could force himself into meditation. After a few minutes however, he realized the effort was useless.   
  
Not knowing what else to do, Obi-Wan reached for the bond he shared with his master.  
  
//Master?//  
  
Qui-Gon Jinn was in the pilot's chair making sure they were well out of range of the planet's detection devices before he set course for home. He heard the pain in his padawan's voice. //I'm here Obi-Wan. I need to get our ship away from this planet. I will be there shortly.//  
  
//Yes, Master.//  
  
The older Jedi was aware of the desperation his student felt. He knew the boy had unsuccessfully tried to meditate. But before he could try and comfort Obi-Wan, he had to insure them of a safe trip home. //Your actions were correct, Padawan. You did nothing wrong.// Qui-Gon knew that the words were empty. Obi-Wan had lost something today. He had lost his innocence. A young boy learned to kill. Had to kill to stay alive. Now he must learn to cope with the aftermath.  
  
With the planet of Telar becoming smaller in the distance, Qui-Gon set the auto-pilot, and moved down the hall, looking for his apprentice. Obi-Wan was on the couch, staring out the window, his legs pulled to his chest. In one hand he held the river stone that Qui-Gon had given him for his thirteenth birthday. Over and over he turned it in his hand. His chest rose and fell with fast, yet very deep breaths. Eyes were focused on the bright stars that dotted the blackness beyond the glass. He did not meet his teacher's gaze.  
  
"Obi-Wan?" When there was no response, he knelt down in front of his solemn student. "Padawan. When one is forced to kill for the first time, it is one of the most trying times in our lives. These feelings will become less painful in time. We all must cope with this eventually. There is not a knight or master who has not stood where you do now. Taking another life...sometimes there is no other way. He would have killed you had you not struck first. I know your pain. It's never easy to kill. But the first time is the most traumatic. It will get easier."  
  
Without turning his gaze from the window, Obi-Wan's quiet voice broke slightly. "I don't want it to get easier. I don't want to feel this way ever again. Why do we have to kill? I don't...I don't want to feel like this anymore."  
  
Qui-Gon set a hand on the boy's knee. "I know, Padawan. I know. Nothing can prepare you for this. But as Jedi, we must be ready to defend our allies and ourselves. Sometimes to kill is the only option. In the next few days, you will learn to focus yourself and come to terms with what happened. You must do so, because this will happen again. And you cannot be afraid to take the same actions should a similar situation arise during a mission. You will kill again, Obi-Wan. Of that you can be certain."  
  
Finally, Obi-Wan's tired eyes found those of his concerned master. He lay his chin on top of his knees, and wrapped his arms around his legs, pulling them a bit tighter against his chest. He locked his gaze with Qui-Gon. "I don't want to kill again. I hate this feeling. My stomach won't stop turning, my pulse is racing, my head feels like it's about to explode. I just want to forget that this happened."  
  
"You can't do that, Obi-Wan. It happened. And it will again."  
  
"How can you be so casual about this Master? How? I can't stop thinking about him. The look on his face as he died. You say this is a part of Jedi life, but why do we have to be passive about it?"  
  
The big Jedi drew in a deep breath. He had asked his own master the same questions when he was younger. Now, all these years and two padawan's later, he still found it hard to explain and to completely understand. "On the outside, it may seem passive or casual as you say, but inside, I hurt every time I am forced to kill. Over the years, I have learned to deal with each death in my own way. You will do the same. Every life is important. It is regrettable that some must end to save others."  
  
For a few moments, the pair sat in silence. Obi-Wan looked more tired and worn than Qui-Gon ever remembered. When they reported to the council, he would request a brief reprieve from off-planet missions. It would give them both a chance to rest, and would allow his apprentice to come to terms with his pain and his feelings. They were still two days out and Qui-Gon knew that there were pent up emotions that his padawan was hiding. Afraid that if he released them, it would be a sign of weakness. The boy was trying desperately not to lose what little control he had left.  
  
"Master, may I go lie down for a bit?"  
  
"Certainly. Would you like some company?"  
  
Obi-Wan shook his head. "No, I'll be okay on my own."  
  
As much as Qui-Gon didn't believe that, he allowed the boy to leave. "I will be here if you need to talk, Padawan." But the boy continued down the hall without looking back.  
  
********  
  
The young Jedi's mind warred with his heart. In his heart he felt the death of another being, he had taken another life. In his mind, he had done the right thing. The only thing he could have done.   
  
Obi-Wan clutched the river stone tightly, willing his hands to stop shaking. At this moment, he wanted nothing more than to run into his master's arms, and let the older man comfort him with soft words. But he was a Jedi. He was a Jedi who had killed a man. This was something he needed to learn to deal with on his own.  
  
Settling into the bed, he hoped to rest his exhausted body, but sleep did not come. Obi-Wan lay in the unfamiliar surroundings staring at the ceiling, recalculating his every action of that last hour on Telar. What could he have done differently? What one thing could he have changed that would have allowed his enemy to live?  
  
He was startled by a voice at the door that brought an answer to his silent question. "Nothing, Padawan. There was nothing you could have done to change what happened. The Telarian left you with no other choice. If you had taken a step to the right rather than to the left, you would be dead."  
  
"But..."  
  
"You've gone over this in your head several hundred times I would imagine. And there is always the same result. I want you to refocus on something else. Use the Force as your ally. The more you dwell on this, the more difficult it will be for you to move beyond it."  
  
"Yes, Master. I will try." Turning over in his bed, Obi-Wan closed his eyes and once more pleaded for sleep to overtake him.   
  
His soundless cries for help went unanswered, and he could only lay in the dark room and fight the images that flooded his mind.  
  
In the next room, Qui-Gon waited. His student would seek him out eventually. He was much to young to carry this burden alone.  
  
And it wasn't long thereafter that Obi-Wan did seek the reassurance of his mentor. Qui-Gon had drifted into a light sleep when he felt a presence at the entrance to his quarters. He opened his eyes to see his apprentice standing near the foot of the bed. The master offered his hand. Unsure and shaky, Obi-Wan inched closer. The greenish eyes were bloodshot and wet from recent tears.  
  
"It's okay, Padawan. I was expecting you."  
  
Obi-Wan stumbled over his words. "I...I am sorry, Master. I tried to sleep...but...I am unable to. I can still see him. And...I still question my actions. I..."  
  
"Come, Obi-Wan. Sit with me." The boy was hesitant for a second, but then took his place next to where Qui-Gon sat on the edge of the bed. "Never be afraid to come to me. It is my job to train you and teach you, not to judge your every action. Something like this happens, you must understand what you did and learn from it. You can't allow it to control your life. As I said, it will get easier. As your master, I am here to see you through these times. But I cannot help you if you hide from your feelings." He let the words sit for a few minutes, waiting for Obi-Wan to make the next move. When the student hung his head and Qui-Gon heard several small sobs escape, he did the only thing he could. He wrapped his long arms around the smaller form and held him. "Shhh, Padawan. It'll be okay. I will help you. We will get through this together."  
  
Obi-Wan said nothing, but gave a small nod against Qui-Gon's chest. As the sobs lessened, he began drifting off. Eyes becoming to heavy to keep open. His body was soon cushioned into the warm bed and blankets tucked around his shoulders. A gentle hand held his own as he fell into a quiet slumber.   
  
Determined to keep watch over his sleeping apprentice, Qui-Gon held the smaller hand in both of his until he was satisfied that the boy was resting peacefully. He reached up and placed a hand on Obi-Wan's forehead. "Sleep, Obi-Wan." A small whimper escaped the pursed lips before he was drawn further into oblivion.   
  
********  
  
When the transport finally touched down on Coruscant, the two Jedi immediately headed for their quarters. It was late, and they would need rest in order to be ready to go before the council the next day. No doubt they would question Obi-Wan about his trial on Telar.  
  
The master pointed the boy towards the 'fresher. "Padawan, I want you to shower and then join me for a short period of meditation before bed."   
  
"Yes, Master."   
  
Qui-Gon was pleased to see that his student had settled since the initial shock of taking another life. He was sure that in time, Obi-Wan would make a full recovery. Mentally, he was struggling to cope, but Qui-Gon saw signs that he knew to be positive. There was nothing Obi-Wan could have done differently that would have spared the man his life. The apprentice was sure of that now. But his heart still ached.  
  
Before he turning in for the night, Qui-Gon looked in on the sleeping form tucked deeply into the blankets. It was a restless sleep. Seeing this, Qui-Gon touched their shared bond and eased the disturbing dreams. He waited for the youngster to relax before withdrawing from his mind.  
  
For a few hours at least, Obi-Wan would sleep at peace.  
  
*********  
  
As they prepared to enter the council chambers, Obi-Wan came to a stop just outside the doors. Qui-Gon could sense the fear coming from the younger Jedi. "Obi-Wan?"  
  
"I'm nervous, Master."  
  
Qui-Gon put an arm around him. "Just tell them what happened, that's all. Explain that any other action would have meant your own death. Remember, you did nothing that any other Jedi would not have done themselves. I will be at your side." He paused briefly before continuing. "Now, before we enter, I want you to close your eyes for a minute."   
  
Obi-Wan did as he was told. He felt his master walk behind him and place both hands on his shoulders. "Deep breaths. Focus your mind. Allow the Force to guide you." Comforting hands lightly massaged the youth's tense muscles, and within moments, Obi-Wan was in a state of mind that he had never before experienced. It was a total feeling of contentment and relaxation. He straightened himself and nodded.   
  
"Thank you, Master. I am ready now."  
  
Once more at his student's side, Qui-Gon pressed his hand to the door's keypad and waited for it to open. "Keep your focus, Obi-Wan. The council can be a pestering bunch. One day I will teach you how to defy them."  
  
A small smile crept across the adolescent face as they entered large room. The first one in several days. Qui-Gon smiled in return.   
  
"You have not lost what makes you what you are. A man lost his life. You lost your innocence. Everything happens for a reason. This path was laid before you. You must follow it. Along the way you will stumble, but as long I am with you, I will not let you fall. That is my promise."  
  
They stood before the members of the Jedi Council. Pride surged through Qui-Gon as he listened to Obi-Wan address them. The events of the mission were unfolded for the council to see, and in the end, they saw no faults with the padawan's actions on Telar. The pair were granted a week's time to deal with the consequences of the mission, and excused from the chambers. Obi-Wan bowed before them, but didn't move to leave. Images of the past mission suddenly re-entered his mind, and it caught him off-guard. Moving forward, Qui-Gon once again placed his hands on the boy's shoulders. He lowered his head, and whispered into his ear. "Give it time, Obi-Wan. Give it time. Let's go home."  
  
*********  
  
It would take most of that week for Obi-Wan to try and put the memories of the Telar mission behind him. And even then, they lingered. The true test would come on the next mission and the one after that. Every time his own life was threatened, or that of his master or another Jedi, he wondered if the Telar mission would continue to haunt him. How could he react differently the next time? Would he react differently?  
  
Qui-Gon pulled the blanket over the sleeping form on the couch. As tenderly as he could, he slipped onto the cushion next to his apprentice. He laid the boy's head on the pillow closest to him and took one of smaller hands in his own. His padawan, who was so much a part of his life, had come through this troubling week as well as could be expected. He was a fifteen-year-old boy. In a split second decision, he was forced to kill another being. Jedi or not, he was still a child. And Qui-Gon knew from experience that Obi-Wan would question his actions on that mission for a very long time. To an extent, he was coming to terms with what he had been forced to do, but in his heart, there was a wound that would never fully heal.   
  
Closing his hand around that of his student's, Qui-Gon felt Obi-Wan relax even further. Gone for now were the images and memories of Telar. The master leaned his head back and found strength with the Force. It was quite a journey thus far for he and his young apprentice. He could only imagine what lie ahead.  
  
END 


End file.
